Over a month ago, I came back to the blogging scene with high hopes and invigorated energy to get back onto the blogging band wagon. But then I froze. I froze, panicked & fell into a hole. I don’t know if I should call it depression or just a funk. I didn’t know how I got there, I just did. And worse yet I could’t shake it.
For the past two years that I’ve been blogging on and off, I believe that I’ve always presented myself as a happy go lucky kinda gal. Because typically I am. Still there is a part of me, that struggles with this feeling of despondency. There are those instances that I spend too much time in my head, thinking of all the what-if’s and regrets. Comparing where I am to where I should be; how I’m not parenting the way I envisioned or how guilty I feel for yelling at the Pollitos; whether I’m living up to my parents expectations and dreams. The list goes on and on, until I find myself deeper into a dark tunnel with no end in sight.
I feel like I travel along this tunnel for days just looking for a sliver of light. When I do finally find a fragment shining in the depths of this self-inflicted pit, it takes me even longer to hightail it out of there. And all the while I’m conscious that I have no business in there and try my hardest to run out of the burrow, I’ve scurried into. It feels like a vicious cycle. I know better but I seem to lack the tools to dig myself out.
From the outside looking in, you would never imagine the frenzied commotion my being is lost in. I’m still smiling and upbeat. But its all a spectacle, so not to, have to explain to the world where I’ve failed. Failing is that ultimate fear of mine, one which happens to creep up at the most inopportune time. It’s paralyzing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve set out to accomplish something and I’ve gone nowhere. It’s almost like I’m afraid of disappointing myself and yet it comes to fruition because I haven’t begun, let alone finish my intention. See what I mean about a vicious cycle?
I like to write things down… grocery lists, to-do lists, goals, schedules, etc. Even more I like to check off things from my lists. There’s a sense of satisfaction in doing so. The goal list is the one with the least amount of checks. The lack of checks manifests into guilt and that annoying inner voice telling me… “You should know better. Just do better.” I scream back at her and tell her… “I KNOW!!!”
Friday while running on the treadmill, I can’t explain it, whether it was an epiphany or just finding the courage to stand up for myself to myself; but I gave myself permission to fail. Yes, fail. Isn’t there a saying something like… Failing means at least you’re trying. Well I want to try! I want to see how far I can go. I truly do. My desire to see the distance is stronger than my fear.
This is still a new feeling, one that I’m holding tightly to. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, a heaping ray of light has discovered the dark tunnel which I was so deeply rooted in, and is lighting my way out. As I put one foot in front of the other, I remind myself I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS.
Thanks for just listening and allowing me to profess the scary truth behind my stagnation.