Precautionary Limbo

Ever just stare at your computer willing words to come to mind & appear on your screen?  Well, that’s been me for the last few days. In fact on Tuesday evening I sat in front of my laptop and began this very post. But after about an hour of staring at a blank screen, I gave up.

The blank screen wasn’t for the lack of things to share, but rather a lack of energy to come up with the words.  At least that’s what I’m attributing it too.

On Monday, I shared with you how my nerves had taken over, as a result of our impending doctors appointment at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.  We were to find out more about our lil guy’s heart condition, after a very long 3 week wait.

And so it was, Tuesday morning.  And there we were, ready to know. Kinda.

I underwent another fetal cardiac sonogram. It seemed that baby boy’s ventricles were practically equal in size and the blood flow was good, following the oxygen I was given.  My anxiety levels decreased ever so slightly.

Following the sonogram, we met with the Director and his team to get our results. And then it came.  Baby boy’s heart did respond the way they hoped for.  However, there’s still a chance that he’ll have to undergo surgery to correct his aorta. But it’s all dependent on how his heart acts once he’s born.  So, we’re in this state of precautionary limbo.  Hopeful and yet fearful. Waiting to hear the best news possible, but expecting the worst.  Because of this, I’ll be delivering at CHOP in their Special Delivery Unit, where they can whisk baby boy away to properly evaluate him.  And hopefully advise us that he will not require surgery.

Life can be unexpected at times. And this is one of those times. Never in a million years, would I have fathomed that my third pregnancy would take this crazy turn of events.  I am just so very thankful for the access to such an amazing hospital, doctors and staff.  However, thankful and all, I would do anything to have baby boy walk away unscathed.

Scared. Worried. Hopeful. Stressed. Anxious. These are just a few of the emotions I’m dealing with every 5 minutes or so. I’m scared for him. Scared for me. I’m scared that I won’t be strong enough to get through this. I’ve never doubted my strength. I know about perseverance.  I know it well.  But at this moment, I’m not so sure. I’ve been tested as a mother throughout the years, but this feels like the ultimate test. And right now I’m struggling, that I won’t be able to keep it together.  I am the glue. I am mom to these Pollitos.  I am the one they want when they’re sick and scared.  I can’t fail them. I can’t fail baby boy.  I pray that I can rediscover my strength in enough time.

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