When I began this blog nearly a year ago, I had a general direction of where I wanted to go. I knew I wanted to meet other bloggers, make a connection with my readers, express myself, share interesting information and opinions. I never really thought of this blog becoming a journal. I’ve always kept journals, just never consistently.
And now, here I am in this space, just needing to vent. Feeling like I want to burst and yet guilty for having these feelings. We’re in the homestretch, ready to meet baby boy and learn what exactly is wrong with him. And he’s not here yet. We’ve uprooted the Pollitos and have made “our home” the Philly area, until he arrives and receives medical treatment.
The first few days were great. It was a mini vacation for us. Especially, since we’ve been so distracted with everything and hadn’t planned a vacay for us. We’ve been able to share in fun adventures and make new memories with the Pollitos. We even had the chance to hang with one of my sorority sisters and her daughter.
Then out of nowhere, I’ve slipped into this funk. I’m feeling homesick, because the kids are homesick. I’m feeling cramped, because well put 4 people, no matter the size of the people, into an average size hotel room and things get a little or a LOT tight. Then the Pollitos are going through something too. They’re both being a bit defiant and cranky. Not a good combination. Add a body that isn’t cooperating in many ways. One – it’s not ready to let go of baby boy. Two – I’m big and clunky. Moving around is difficult. I want my smaller, easy to maneuver body back. Plus, the uncertainty of what is to be with baby boy. It all has me feeling suffocated.
I actually want to scream or cry, or both. I’m desperate to get over this hump and move onto the next stage. My anxiety level is at an all time high and my patience is at an all time low. And I don’t see an end in sight. I’m praying that I can level out and tuck some of these reeling emotions away or that they dissipate, because right now they’re just consuming me. I don’t do difficult times – I get through them. I make light of them. I don’t know how to right now. I’m suffocating.
Lord, please guide me through this.