When I began this blog nearly a year ago, I had a general direction of where I wanted to go.  I knew I wanted to meet other bloggers, make a connection with my readers, express myself, share interesting information and opinions.  I never really thought of this blog becoming a journal.  I’ve always kept journals, just never consistently.

And now, here I am in this space, just needing to vent.  Feeling like I want to burst and yet guilty for having these feelings.  We’re in the homestretch, ready to meet baby boy and learn what exactly is wrong with him.  And he’s not here yet. We’ve uprooted the Pollitos and have made “our home” the Philly area, until he arrives and receives medical treatment.

The first few days were great. It was a mini vacation for us. Especially, since we’ve been so distracted with everything and hadn’t planned a vacay for us.  We’ve been able to share in fun adventures and make new memories with the Pollitos.  We even had the chance to hang with one of my sorority sisters and her daughter.

Then out of nowhere, I’ve slipped into this funk.  I’m feeling homesick, because the kids are homesick. I’m feeling cramped, because well put 4 people, no matter the size of the people, into an average size hotel room and things get a little or a LOT tight.  Then the Pollitos are going through something too.  They’re both being a bit defiant and cranky.  Not a good combination.  Add a body that isn’t cooperating in many ways.  One – it’s not ready to let go of baby boy.  Two – I’m big and clunky.  Moving around is difficult.  I want my smaller, easy to maneuver body back.  Plus, the uncertainty of what is to be with baby boy.  It all has me feeling suffocated.

I actually want to scream or cry, or both.  I’m desperate to get over this hump and move onto the next stage.  My anxiety level is at an all time high and my patience is at an all time low.  And I don’t see an end in sight. I’m praying that I can level out and tuck some of these reeling emotions away or that they dissipate, because right now they’re just consuming me.  I don’t do difficult times – I get through them. I make light of them. I don’t know how to right now. I’m suffocating.

Lord, please guide me through this.


9 thoughts on “Suffocated

  1. So seeing as I just messaged you not 5 minutes ago because I was thinking of you, I am stunned to read this. I am glad you are near CHOP in case the wee one needs help, but I also know that during the last weeks, you just want to be home and comfy. A hotel doesn’t offer that in its comfortable – yet – sterile environs.

    It is normal to feel lost right now; you know this. But add to the equation the uncertainty of Baby Boy and it will leave a prego mama at a loss. I wish I could make that better, take it away.

    All I can say is keep venting – and distract yourself as much as you can. Rob is able-bodied; let him deal with the short people. YOU deal with YOU. Keep that baby safe until your body says he’s ready.

    Until then, prayers and positive thoughts coming your way…
    I love you,

  2. Oh girlie! Vent away. There is nothing more cathartic than getting your feelings out on “paper.” I can’t imagine the worry and the uncertainties you are going through while having to deal with all of the regular day to day stuff with the Pollitos. Dealing with my cranky, defiant kids is enough, without adding the stress and the uprooting that you have gone through lately. I agree with Meg…let your husband deal with the short people and YOU deal with YOU. You truly are a supermom. You are doing it ALL…and with so much grace and beauty. Remember, we are our own worst critics. When the rest of us look at you, we see something wonderful, inspirational, and amazing!! Deep breaths. Many prayers coming to your family and your Baby Boy. Lots of love too. XO Jessi

  3. I love you dear!! I admire your strength to share what many of us keep in. you are an inspiration. take these next few hours/days moment by moment, literally minute by minute. think self ….baby … family. take deep breaths and listen to your soul. you’ll find peace within… its already there. you got this.

  4. You are a strong woman. I met you at a party at Meg’s and was so impressed by your exuberance. You just light up a room. Even though you are feeling down, I’m sure that spark is still in you. Your husband and your kids know it is there.

    Take care of yourself mama. It’s one of the best ways to take care of your kids and that little baby.

    I’ll be thinking of you and praying for your family.

    – Laurie

  5. Oh Sapphire, I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine. You’re not ever alone, your friends are here with you, for support and love, and the ear for the venting. Many prayers for you and the baby, and your family.

  6. Listen calm down, everything is going to turn out okay. Don’t over stress it, you are in great hands and its almost due time and it will be over before you know it. Have Rob take care of the rugrats and you take care of yourself. Baby boy is gonna be just fine and his fairy godmother got her bags packed to meet him in philly. Please stop overanalyzing and relax. I know its easier said then done, but please try for the little one. Love you : )

    me and the god father already got plans to stuff our faces with philly cheese steaks when we get to philly.

  7. Sapphire, I had not idea what was going on until reading the facebook post. Please know that I will pray for you and the family and your precious baby boy. God is still in the business of miracles and answers prayers. We don’t always like the answers or understand them, but I pray for an positive outcome. It looks as if you have much support and lots of prayers being said on your behalf. Breathe and then breathe again.
    All the best girlfriend,

  8. Mi querida Hermana vent away…. You are a strong, determined and wonderful Latina….It is hard for people like us, who always keeps the seam together for our families, to start feeling like your unglueing. IT IS OK – it happens! SUPERWOMAN has the right to have an off day! This is your off day and this is where you can get the support you need, so you can go back to holding it all together.

    We are here for you and our love and prayers will help you move along… You have been thrown a monkey wrench, but I know that you will dodge it and move along and your sophisticated bad ass self will come out radiant and triumphant!

    We will support you along the way and love you all very much…. Hermana love you lots and prayers coming your way!

    Que la luz……

  9. I love you babe! Call me any time! You know I know about being homesick !!! Add the hormones & it ain’t good 😉 u need to vent , glad ur doin that!!

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